Facilitator/Participant Eros Policy

(A version of this policy has been officially effective since Nov 1, 2018. This is the third significant draft.)

 

Context

This policy applies to everyone representing The Relateful Company (“TRC”) brand & ecosystem (that falls under the legal heading “Myska Allen & Co”)
 
This policy outlines boundaries and processes which aim to bring more awareness, truth, and love into our connections and into our ecosystem in relation to how we handle sexual & romantic energy.
 
Sexual energy is powerful and holds great potential for transformation, illumination and love when it is handled with skill, maturity, wisdom and awareness. Conversely when this powerful energy is handled without skill, maturity, wisdom and awareness, it can create significant harms and lead to consequences antithetical to the mission of our practice and the purpose of the organization. In addition to the potential to cause harm to individual participants, there is a risk that mishandled sexual energy could expose facilitators, the community, and the company to perceptions of abuse of power and even to litigation.
 
The intent of this policy is to set out considerations and processes to support facilitators in handling sexual energy appropriately and wisely in such a way that minimizes the risk of harm to all parties, while upholding, honoring and including the deeply sacred creative potential of this energy. The policy focuses specifically on expected boundaries in relation to facilitator-participant contact (facilitators on staff at Relateful Company are not required to uphold these boundaries with each other).

 

Definitions

This policy refers to sexual and romantic contact with participants (not with other staff facilitators). Contact is considered to be “sexual” or “romantic” when the contact has a sexual or romantic or erotic tone. The policy intentionally does not attempt to define the terms “sexual,” “romantic,” “erotic” or “contact” in precise detail, and does not attempt to delineate precisely and exhaustively the type of behavior that crosses the thresholds contained in the boundaries set out below. There are two primary reasons for this:
 
1. It might not be possible.
Sexual and romantic energy manifests both objectively in the world, subjectively within our experience, and intersubjectively, between us; and it manifests within a large range of magnitudes of intensity. It does not seem possible to concretely define the continuums of possible magnitudes of these energies, nor of how they may manifest, in such a way that clarifies in a meaningful or useful way. While the policy makes some attempt to illustrate a concrete threshold of acceptable magnitudes and relational manifestations of sexual/romantic energy, it also accepts and embraces ambiguity as a context for practice which can bring greater truth and love into leadership, experience and expression.
 
2. The boundaries may adapt to TRC’s or a facilitator’s personal evolution
This policy intends to be deeply grounded in the TRC mission and practice of deep truth in relationship to ourselves as well as in relationship to other/s. There is implicit value in facilitators defining their personal boundaries that honor the intent of the policy, especially where a facilitator’s boundary may need to come into play before the explicit boundaries listed below are reached. Additionally, TRC respects that Relatefulness is a living, evolving practice and as such, we may begin to redefine, update, or better include a greater understanding of sexual, romantic, and erotic energy.  
 
 

Boundaries

The boundaries set out here are in service to the mission of TRC. Facilitators are prohibited from exploring personal romantic or sexual contact with participants except in the following circumstances:
Pre-existing relationship
Established romantic or sexual relationships that predate the facilitator-participant relationship are not affected by this policy. For example if you were a participant and client of TRC and you had an established romantic or sexual relationship with another participant, and then you became a TRC facilitator, your relationship with the person may continue unaffected by this policy and without breaching the policy. If your pre-existing relationship with a participant is founded in friendship where sexual or romantic interest has already been openly and mutually expressed, though not acted on, the expectation is to continue with The Eros Process (see below). 
Romantic or sexual energy, including attraction, that arises during a session
Facilitators are permitted to explore sexual or romantic attraction or erotic energy in relation to a participant in the context of an immersion or any long format session (1 hour or more) when all the following conditions are met 
  • Other facilitators are present and actively facilitating (not simply attending as participants)
  • The facilitator holds the sexual and romantic energy with dual awareness, or in other words: remains curious about both the personal and impersonal nature of the erotic energy and how this is occurring within their own experience and the dynamic, as well as maintaining meta-awareness during their exploration. Dual awareness implies an understanding that the arising of erotic energy likely means more than a literal inspiration to action or an outcome.
  • The facilitator explicitly states that there is no desired outcome and authentically embodies this (in other words, it is true that the facilitator does not desire an outcome).
 
This applies when a participant introduces their attraction to a facilitator, but facilitators are also permitted to introduce attraction to a participant under these conditions. Long format means there is time to clear up any misunderstandings and to debrief sufficiently, with others present. 
 
If the facilitator does desire an outcome (e.g. to continue to explore romantic or sexual energy with the participant after the session has ended), then they must not explore that within the session but should complete the Eros Process (see below) instead.
 
There is no restriction on exploring participant attraction towards a facilitator if the participant introduces this (the boundary only applies to exploring facilitator attraction towards a participant).
 
There is no restriction on facilitators exploring sexual or romantic energy and themes that are not in relation to a particular participant. A facilitator can share about erotic energy that is present in the moment during any regular session. 
More than six months have elapsed
If more than six months have passed since the participant has attended any TRC sessions or events, the expectation to refrain from exploring sexual or romantic energy does not apply. 
After completing the Eros Process
The Eros Process (detailed below) involves two primary elements. Both are essential.
  1. An “Eros Process Conversation” with a more senior facilitator 
  2. A statement from the participant that they are choosing of their own free will to participate in the sexual or romantic connection and that they indemnify TRC in relation to any consequences arising from the connection. 
A facilitator who has met all conditions of the Eros Process may proceed with sexual or romantic connection with the participant.
In service to these boundaries
There are many circumstances where maintaining these boundaries will be a matter primarily of embodied experience, energetic containment, and moving from dual awareness. However in some circumstances the truest way to embody these boundaries will involve speaking directly to them, and that can include naming feelings. Where embodied commitment to these boundaries involves acknowledging sexual or romantic energy and articulating the professional boundaries limiting further exploration, facilitators are permitted to speak to a participant of their attraction. 
 
 

The Eros Process

The Eros Process is available to facilitators who want to explore sexual or romantic energy with a participant before six months has elapsed since the participant’s last contact as a client of TRC, and who do not have a pre-existing relationship with the participant.
 
It is natural and expected that a facilitator considering this policy and the connection process is navigating ambiguous and vulnerable territory. A facilitator should initiate the Eros Process before they reach a point where they are discussing their desire to explore romantic or sexual energy with the participant. That means that the Eros Process may take place for relationships that ultimately do not eventuate according to the facilitator’s desire. Deciding to initiate the Eros Process should take place as part of the facilitator’s own process of contemplation, reflection and enquiry about the nature of their interest in and attraction to the participant.
 
There are two essential components: the Eros Process Conversation, and filing a Participant Statement. 
 
1. The Eros Process Conversation
The Eros Process involves having a conversation (“the Eros Process Conversation”) with one or more facilitators higher up in the facilitation hierarchy - someone with more believability (more experience and authority in this domain). The conversation will focus specifically on
  • Deeper themes that might be expressing through sexuality and attraction such as repeating historical patterns, eroticised wounds, acting in or acting out, using sex and attraction to get non-sexual needs met, projections, introjections, golden shadows, and any other contradictions, hidden assumptions, false opinions, or untruths. 
  • Power dynamics - how the power dynamic might be influencing the attraction (are you really meeting as equals?), how open and honest the power dynamic is in the attraction, etc
  • Ecosystem awareness and impacts - what does this mean for your relationship as facilitator and participant? What would exploring this connection mean for TRC? What is the risk to your reputation as a facilitator and a leader, and how do you relate to this?
 
The Eros Process Conversation is crucial in providing peer support and reflection so that a facilitator may act in line with love and truth within the complexity of the situation. The facilitator can request confidentially for this discussion. The senior facilitator will keep record that the conversation happened, but keep details confidential. 
2. Participant Statement
If the facilitator wants to go ahead with romantic or sexual contact with the participant after the Eros Process Conversation, they must first receive a statement from the participant.
 
The participant can provide the statement via text message or email. The long- and short-forms are both acceptable. 

Long-form sample text
I am aware that it is extremely likely that there are unconscious motivations and transferences in our relationship directly related to our meeting in a situation of unequal power in the environment of personal and spiritual growth (in addition to all the normal relational dynamics). I accept full responsibility for my individual choice to move forward with this relationship with <facilitator name> and hereby indemnify and hold harmless The Relateful Company from any negative consequences which may arise.
Short-form sample text
I accept full responsibility for my individual choice to move forward in connection with <facilitator name> and hereby indemnify and hold harmless The Relateful Company from any negative consequences that may arise. 
The facilitator must file the participant statement with the TRC admin team (Val, Shara, Liz, or Jordan). The admin team is expected to treat the identity of the participant and the facilitator, as well as the information about the nature of their relationship, as strictly confidential. The admin team is expected to acknowledge the sensitivity of this information and the unique circumstances that gave rise to its disclosure. Ordinarily the privacy of such information is protected by the individuals to whom it pertains. The facilitator and the participant must be assured that the information will be treated with care and respect.
Eros Process Summary

  1. Notice when you have interest in connecting in a romantic or sexual way with a participant and take care to embody the boundaries according to the examples in this policy and the associated appendix
  2. If you wish explore your attraction/interest, begin with your personal practice (eg journaling, prayer, facilitator peer support - eg asking a facilitator to give you attention in relation to your attraction, therapy, coaching etc), using the exploration/discussion points listed under the heading “Eros Process Conversation” above. 
  3. If, after your personal contemplation, your desire to explore romantically or sexually with the participant is still alive, request a Eros Process Conversation with a senior facilitator (this can be as simple as choosing a qualified facilitator and saying “hey, I’d like to have a Eros Process Conversation with you. Are you available?”)
  4. After that conversation, do you still want to go ahead with a romantic or sexual connection with the participant?
    1. If not: cease to engage in a sexual or romantic manner with them
    2. If yes: check with the participant if they’re willing to sign the Participant Statement
  5. Is the participant willing to provide the statement?
    1. If yes: arrange for the Participant Statement to be filed appropriately before exploring sexually or romantically with them. 
    2. If not: cease to engage with the participant romantically/sexually or resign from your role at TRC.


Ambiguity

“At what point does a connection cross the threshold where it is a breach of this policy?”
Attraction, sexual interest and romantic interest might be present subtly. There might be a connection that develops between a participant and a facilitator over time where one or both of you have sexual or romantic interest in the other but you don’t discuss it directly, and you don’t know what the other person is feeling, but you feel like the attraction or interest might be mutual. Maybe the participant is explicit about their attraction; or maybe a facilitator spoke of attraction to a participant within the permitted context of a session, but some time has passed and the participant reaches out to the facilitator seeking offline contact.
 
“I’m single and dating”
Maybe you develop a crush on a participant. Maybe you are actively seeking partners to explore romantically or sexually with, and this is part of your life and being as a whole person - and maybe part of your strength as a TRC facilitator is that you lead from your whole being.
 
“They initiated a flirtation with me”
Maybe a participant develops a crush on you, or initiates flirtatious or sexual communication with you outside of a session, or asks you to meet up socially and you get the feeling they may have some romantic or sexual interest or intent.
 
“We both happened to be at the same event and it had nothing to do with TRC”
Maybe you happen to meet a participant you’ve always admired at a private party. Maybe you are part of a kink, tantra, or conscious sexuality community and you encounter a fellow event participant who also happens to be a TRC client who’s attended your sessions. Maybe what feels most alive to you in the moment is a clear, calm desire to explore with them. 
 
“I’m pretty sure this has nothing to do with me being a facilitator. There’s no power dynamics here.”
It’s possible this could be true, but we invite you to consider that your role as facilitator is more meaningful than you might initially realize. Either way, we want to make it explicit that whether or not you believe there to be a power dynamic present, this policy should still be honored to avoid a policy breach. The purpose of this policy and the Eros Process is to support facilitators to thoroughly and maturely explore all dynamics at play - power dynamics, but also the possible impact on your reputation and standing in the community, as well as the impact on TRC as a whole.

How does the policy apply in these scenarios?

In a certain sense there is a sacrifice of some personal autonomy and potential organic unfolding of personal connections that accompanies the role of a leader. The boundaries outlined in this policy arise from and reflect some of the unique responsibilities and considerations associated with occupying a position of leadership.
 
Given the potency of sexual and romantic energy, this policy asks facilitators to practice awareness, reflection and self enquiry in relation to all sexual and romantic feelings involving participants. Facilitators noticing such feelings are urged to seek peer support in gaining clarity about how to handle them and how to use this policy instead of bringing such feelings into the open with a participant. If you are still unsure, reach out to a senior facilitator to discuss. 
 
If a participant brings forth sexual or romantic attraction or erotic energy with a facilitator in a 1-1 scenario or outside of a co-facilitated context (such as during a session you’re leading alone, during a debrief, or while meeting or DMing to explore a shared interest/friendship etc), facilitators are expected to:
  • Hold the sexual and romantic energy with dual awareness as outlined above
  • Stay curious about the participant’s experience
  • Let the participant know that you have a boundary and take the necessary steps to honor the boundary, by either communicating disinterest or suspending detailed/explicit exploration until the Eros Process is complete. 
 
This policy asks you not to explore your feelings with the participant, beyond what is necessary to embody appropriate boundaries, before you have completed the Eros Process. Without speaking openly and exploring in a dynamic and vulnerable way, there is an inherent ambiguity about the depth of each of your interests and intentions. Possibly the most vulnerable part of the Eros Process is after the Eros Process Conversation, when you let the participant know that you can only continue to explore your connection more deeply after receiving the Participant Statement from them. 
 
A similar sacrifice of personal freedom characterizes the limits on spontaneous connection in contexts that are entirely removed from TRC activities - e.g. at parties or conscious sexuality events and workshops. In such contexts it is not possible to complete Step 1 of the Eros Process. Facilitators who find themselves in such a context are invited to incorporate the constraints of this policy into their practice in those moments, using this limit in the same way any other circumstantial limit becomes a part of the texture and fabric of any experience, to be danced with and explored. Any nascent connection can be revisited after the Eros Process has taken place. 
 
Alternatively, a facilitator attending an event (such as a kink workshop etc) where they expect participants to be present with whom they may want to explore could complete Step 1 of the Eros Process preemptively/in advance, and complete Step 2 in real time at the event via text message or other means.
 
The Eros Policy Appendix contains examples of how to speak to attraction in service to embodying these boundaries.

 

Policy Breaches

The intent of this policy is to support facilitators in their ever-evolving and deepening relationship with love and truth. The intent of the Connection Process is to actively support facilitators in their inquiry and their practice to handle sexual and romantic energy in a manner that is skillful, mature, wise and truthful. The values and process of this policy go to the very heart of our mission as TRC in the world. As such, breaches of the policy are taken very seriously as a call to pause and establish improved boundaries.
 
Any facilitator who does not feel a connection to the underlying purpose, spirit, and potential for greater embodiment and leadership in this policy, is not authorized to lead under The Relateful Company brand.
 
Any facilitator who is developing romantic or sexual interest in a participant and feels unsure about how to act within the boundaries of this policy must reach out to a senior facilitator to seek clarity. Facilitators are advised to do this sooner rather than later, and to err on the side of caution.  
 
Depending on the severity of the infraction, violating this policy results in either
  1. A caution - when the facilitator’s actions arise in the context of their sincere intent to honor this policy and where their actions constitute an opportunity for fine-tuning to clarify relevant boundaries. The intent of a caution is to allow facilitators to debrief non-overt violations and to receive feedback. However this is not a “first-offense” caution. Overt offenses, including first offense, are likely to default to the second or third actions below:.
  2. A minimum one-year suspension from facilitating in a TRC event - when a facilitator’s actions represent a significant lapse in judgment or they have delayed coming forward about behavior that breaches the policy.
  3. Revocation of the facilitator’s certification - when a facilitator’s actions represent a serious breach, or when a facilitator attempts to conceal or disguise behavior that breaches the policy. 
 
Where there is a suspension the facilitator may request a review at its conclusion with at least two senior facilitators (currently: Jordan, Val, Blas, Shara, Philip, Liz) to explore their updated understanding and commitment to the spirit and practice of this policy. They are expected to compensate both facilitator’s time at a discounted rate of $60/hour per facilitator, unless otherwise determined.

“I think I may have breached the policy”

If you have breached the policy, you should reach out to Val  and let her know what occurred. If you are worried that you have acted in a way which may have breached the policy, or which approaches ambiguous territory, you should reach out to one of the senior facilitators and discuss it with them.

“I think one of my fellow facilitators may have breached the policy”

A participant may reveal details of their interaction with another facilitator that make you think that facilitator may have breached this policy. Or, another facilitator may reveal to you details of their interactions with a participant that make you think they may have breached this policy.  
 
While you are not expected to investigate or make determinations in relation to others’ possible breaches of the policy, every facilitator is expected to support their peers and TRC to uphold and embody the spirit and intent of this policy. If you think another facilitator has breached the policy please bring your concerns to at least one other impartial party within TRC (another facilitator to support you in navigating the situation, or to Val directly). You may decide whether or not you also want to approach the facilitator about whose boundaries you have concerns.
 

Exploring the Policy: The Appendix

 
The Eros Policy Appendix contains examples that illustrate ways facilitators have incorporated this policy within their practice as TRC leaders. This is a living document which can be updated by facilitators (anonymously if preferred) with experiences and insights as they occur. 
 
You can look here for practical examples of how to honor the Eros Policy and to draw clarity and inspiration from others.
 
You can also add your experience here for others to learn and draw inspiration from. If you had an experience that came close to a boundary, clarified a boundary, or which you realized later crossed a boundary, please share it! 
 
We will continue to witness how this policy unfolds in our leadership and among our community, and hope that this appendix serves as a clarifying space that will allow us to continue refining our leadership and this policy over time. 
 
This policy was written based on the contributions of over 15 Relateful staff facilitators, including senior and junior facilitators. We ratified this version of the document on July 13, 2023 after over 4 weeks of review from the entire facilitator body.
Â