Back to Blog

What’s driving your judgments? ⛏️

3things jordan myska allen personal growth relatefulness stayinlove May 11, 2023

Authenticity is a paradox and highly personal, but there are some good rules of thumb. If you think telling the truth means sharing your judgment, you’re going to get less authenticity than if you take the time to see what pain or discomfort drives you to have a judgment in the first place.

Some people make the mistake of equating authentic with loud, rude, challenging, or generally anti-conforming. Being truly genuine couldn’t care less about whether or not you look like you’re conforming. Anger & dissonance ≠ realness; neither does caring & happy = fake. There’s “nothing so blinding as perception of form”.

In other words, we often use judgments as a defense mechanism to avoid addressing our deeper, more uncomfortable feelings and needs. Finding and sharing what drives the judgment is far more honest, authentic, and connecting, than sharing the judgement. Eg:

  • “You’re too fast”, might become “I don’t know how to get what I need in relationship with you”.

  • “You’re not doing it right”, might become “I want to control you so I can feel safe”.

  • “You’re not sharing what’s going on for you”, might become “I want you to open up so I don’t feel so lonely”.

The point is not the veracity of the judgment, the point is that if you take a closer look at yourself, you’ll notice that the judgment isn’t authentic, it’s a strategy you’re employing to avoid going deeper into yourself. This calls for compassionate inquiry, not self-judgment!


With love, Jordan


More like this?

Fresh practices, psyche-activating perspectives, & relationship tips every week in your inbox. Plus occasional updates from our team.

We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.