The Relateful Scale
The Relateful Scale is a new and exciting research project that we believe has widespread implications for interpersonal development practices going forward, including certification, trust, community involvement and giving more precise feedback on a wide range of skills cultivated by this practice.
In essence, the Relateful Scale is a bottom up, dynamic and constantly-updating rating system, where people who are good at a particular skill then have more “weight” in ranking others in that skill. It’s modeled after Ray Dalio and Bridgewater’s “Dot Collector;” developers might think of it like “page rank for relateful skills.”
An opportunity to bring more honesty
Although this may sound complicated, most of the business happens in the backend. For practitioners, the challenge is to bring more honesty and clarity to the nuanced assessments we are already making about each other.
Rather than pretending we view each other equally, we’re opening the vulnerability of admitting we see some people as more skillful than others. We do this in a way that opens up growth and development, rather than makes people feel “not good enough” or always competing.
Rather than pretending we see each other as monolithically good at everything relatefully oriented, we’re admitting that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. This allows for people to see their relative strengths and weaknesses in much finer detail. For example:
Through practicing relatefulness, you’ve probably noticed a wide range of skills and ways of being that you hadn’t previously honed in on or taken the time to witness. Some of those competencies probably come naturally to you, they are part of your essence. Others you might admire in others. I remember for myself I found myself traversing empathy for others with ease, and deeply admiring those who were able to speak up for their own needs. The journey of being relateful is an ongoing process of learning and practicing ways of being that bring more truth and love to both ourselves and others as we traverse this path together as humans.
Research is just beginning
Our research into rating the skills the relatefulness is just beginning, and we’re excited to invite you in. But currently the only way to be a part of this research project is to sign up for Level Up ⬆, where we are both honing in on the how this can help people grow, and how to best hold and understand the vulnerability of feedback.
The Relateful Scale is more than assessing and revealing a person’s relateful capability—it's a developmental tool in the spirit of the organization and practice's commitment to the awareness of the nature of being constantly transforming. We are also committed to distilling and sharing the skills that we’re learning through this practice with wider audiences; this scale is a part of our effort to do so.
Relateful Lines of Intelligence
This scale breaks down what it means to be relateful across various dimensions, or “lines of intelligence”.
This comes from asking practitioners “what are the qualities of being relateful?” The scale is inspired by what we’ve observed so far; we may discover more lines, or we may discover that some of these correlate so tightly we might as well consider them one capacity. We also believe these are likely unbounded.
- Claims Experience / Self-Inquires
- Show a willingness and ability to take responsibility for what’s happening in your experience, not take responsibility for what’s happening in someone else’s experience, and inquire more deeply into the motivations underlying what has you doing what you’re doing in any given moment
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: (In response to something outside) “I notice that I…” (rather than blaming the outside experience); or “I’m curious about my reaction”
- Potentially looks very different, eg: “recognizing wholeness”
- Comfort in the Unknown and Discomfort
- Can allow discomfort, distraction, uncertainty, and ‘disconnection’ as points of relational connection. The opposite of this would be demonstrations of authoritarian control, persistent nervous system dysregulation when the path isn’t clear.
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: “I am not sure where we are, and I’m curious about the impact that has on me” or speaking a difficult truth that maintains or increases connection.
- Demonstration of feeling one’s own heart in connection with others. Being with others and loving their humanity.
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: “What would it be like to believe this or feel this way?” “Who would I have to be for this to be the innocent and obvious way for me to show up?”, noticing resonance in myself as others share themselves, other people say they feel seen and understood by my reflections
- Including the body’s wisdom, movement, trusting the sense the body has. This can also look like living your espoused values.
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: Noticing body sensations without needing to make sense of them or trusting an impulse to move. A deeper willingness to surrender to feeling.
- Holds Container
- Integrates boundaries of the practice including time keeping, guiding people toward presence, not shying away from leadership
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: “I am willing to maintain a structure even though the session feels yummy or potent, I know why and I’m fully behind my decision (rather than simply following a rule);” or noticing the information and directionality of emotions like boredom, anger, or annoyance.
- Manages triggers
- Demonstrates capacity to be with multiple parts of their awareness, has capacity to do what’s needed to stay in connection, including stopping the group or session in extreme cases
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: “My nervous system is activated, so I need to go slowly here,” being able to move energy like anger in your body rather than lashing out, shutting down, or self-criticizing; “I need to take a break from this”
- Others make sense of themselves in a new way
- Reveals themselves in such a way that others can see their own nuance, capacity, reflection, and ways of being more cleary
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: moving from receiving feedback as personal to me to seeing it in a greater, less personal context; feedback like “wow, that’s a great question, I’ve never thought of it that way,” and generally helping people make subject-object moves
- Self-Trust & Surrender
- Trusting that whatever is happening in your experience is relevant as it’s indisputably here in the present moment, with a willingness for the relevance to always be about you. Surrender includes the capacity to develop and include discernment and boundary-setting-ability.
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: “I’m not sure why but…” or having a strong desire to share something, but the intuition to stay quiet, and trusting your intuition
- Thinks for themselves
- Autonomous, sovereign, able to stay with integrity in the face of pressure, doesn’t automatically agree to make people happy, and offers novel or unique insights into the situation. Embracing your own signature as part of the evolution and emergence of Relatefulness
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: using your personal language to explain or demonstrate aspects of the practice
- Trusts of the unfolding of life
- Willingness to be with emerging circumstances that you’ve yet to make sense of, without making anything right or wrong. Every moment is full of awe in its own way.
- Ability to receive feedback non-defensively (or with awareness and nonattachment to the defensiveness), hold curiosity and openness for new perspectives and input with a willingness to adopt what seems to fit
- Internal or external questions or noticing that might demonstrate this criteria: “You’re absolutely right, thank you I didn’t see that;” “Wow, this helps explain so many patterns I’ve been confused about in my life;” or loosening grip on being seen in a particular way
We firmly believe that Relatefulness is a dynamic and evolving practice. As such, this scale will continue to develop and transform alongside our practice. Our goal in defining and identifying the emerging criteria of Relatefulness is to highlight the skills that enable practitioners to bring more truth and love into all aspects of their lives. Through this analysis, we expect to gain a deeper understanding of how these criteria evolve and give rise to new ways of being that adapt to and emerge from the present context.
Staff facilitators Level Up ⬆ participants can opt-in to participating in the relateful scale or believability rankings. If you’re interested to learn more or help us further our mission, reach out to [email protected].
"These experiences cause my universe to expand and be richer. I know more of myself when I see another who sees me and offers me a mirror to see myself."
"Being relateful is being with what's present in me, what's present in you, and what is here between us right now. It's a presence practice and an invitation to be with everything that arises, including any resistance to just that."
"Level Up literally changed my life."
“What blew me away the most about it is how… it inevitably goes into every part of my life.”
"I’ve really matured as a person and have met tons of highly conscious-minded people!"
"I can’t remember a time in my life where I’ve been in such a challenging learning environment while being supported and cheered on along the way."
"...A paradigm that has shifted my entire life and the way I communicate and move through the world. It is a practice that I wish everyone would have."
"Being relateful is one of the most valuable and impactful emotional practices I've encountered. When I started in 2015, it seemed to be a possible solution to many of my social bottlenecks as a person with Asperger's Syndrome. Within a couple of months, I had a couple dozen skills and abilities that I did not have prior."
"Dying and birthing at a very high frequency. Embodied awakening in the context of a collective."
"This to me is a profound tool for introspection and personal development… and also a precious and beautiful practice in being awake to every moment.... and surrendering… and aliveness.... and more!"
"It’s a playground for embodied learning. A place to walk towards my deepest fears in good company, to take ownership for my shadows, and come into healthy relationship with everything, within and without. It’s a wondrous adventure, bringing me into deep humility and awe on a regular basis. It’s life condensed. It’s what i've been longing for, for a long time, and what I want to share with as many people as I can."
"I practice being more fully myself. I see myself more fully. I let what's arising in me be more fully okay, be it, allow it, share it… what's happening in me, what responses and reactions I'm having. I see and seek what I'm wanting, needing, yearning for. I see how my experience of the world shifts when I orient on my connection with specific people, with the whole group, when I orient on myself and my experience."
"I LOVE getting to immerse with people from all over the world. And them still in their all over the world-ness."
"A way of being my truest self, a way of deeply connecting to people, to life, to love. This teaches me and reminds me of my surrender to what is."
"At the simplest level, it is a meditation practice where the focus of my attention is on my experience of me, my expression of me, my experience of us, my expression of us, and my experience of you."
"A relational meditation where we get closer to who we really are in compassionate connection with self and others. It is a space where I am becoming kinder while learning to flex relational norms (i.e. becoming less "nice"). It is a process where the life that wants to be lived in each of us can find room to breathe and unfurl."
"A life practice, to become more present, more here, to develop my capacity to love and live fully, to share and co-create reality, make the unconscious conscious, find my essence and connect to the essence in others, and to embrace and appreciate the humanness in us all. And that is to me a practice of healing."