Toddler parallels: Mixing up The Golden Rule with Eye for an Eye 🧑‍⚖️

 It’s 7:20am and I’m jarred awake by the sound of my four year old defensively shouting at his younger sister. “Whatever someone does to you, you do to them! It’s the Golden Rule!” I respond from bed, “That’s eye for an eye bud”, but he doesn’t hear me.

How often do we adults mistake “eye for an eye” with “the golden rule?” We’re more sophisticated, calling it “karma” or “justice” or “fair because they’re a public figure or have more power” or even “boundaries”, but it’s the same confusion. 

“You cut me off in traffic and now I’ll do it back to you.” versus “When I cut someone off in traffic, I love being forgiven and forgotten, so that’s what I’ll do now.” 

“You were rude so now I’m going to criticize and shame you!” versus “When I’m rude, I want people to see I’m struggling, so I’m going to respond with graceful curiosity.” 

“I’m gonna do to you what you did to me” doesn’t feel like reactive retribution when we’re caught up in it. It feels righteous, like we’re the good ones. But over time, we’re worse for it, increasing the supposed injustice from at least two perspectives:

(1) The offending party uses the same logic, and now we’re in an endless cycle of violence, because honestly how often do we realize we’re the one who ‘started it’? As I tell my son, “Whatever you do to your sister, you’re training her how to relate with you”.

(2) Seeing others as yourself (literally): When the other is you, retaliation is direct self-harm.

We’re not using the Golden Rule if we’re enabling: How do you want to be treated when you’re being annoying, crossing boundaries, or asking for something someone else doesn’t want to give? You probably want a firm, quick, and clear boundary. The Golden Rule asks that you provide that. 

We all screw this up sometimes. Compassion is the point of seeing the toddler parallels with adults: We laugh and correct kids when they mess this stuff up. We'll learn quicker and more lightly if we do the same with ourselves.

With love, Jordan

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